Thursday, May 14, 2009

Champagne + Mojito = Good Speech

My sister got married last summer. I was charged with delivering a wedding speech. I am not into public displays of mushiness or public speaking whatsoever. Knowing that the speeches are an integral part of the bride and groom's special day, I bit the bullet. (See below for what I came up with.) After three round of mojitos and two glasses of champagne, I built the liquid courage to deliver a fairly successful wedding speech.

When picking who will speak at our wedding, I think it will have to be people who know us, love us, and can keep it short and simple!

The Speech, July 12, 2008

Let’s be honest, Zeena and Arjun are a pretty good-looking couple. They are kinda like the Indian Barbie and Ken, like Bandu and Kapil. After all, Zeena is a Parsi girl in the Parsi world and Arjun is a Malu boy in his own Quicksilver world. However, there is a lot more to them then just hotness.

Zeena’s not only my elder sister, but also been my second mother. We affectingly refer to her as Zeena Mommy. Being the older, and negotiably wiser one, she has taught me some valuable life-long lessons.

1. Your big sisters clothes always look better on you. Even if you are five and she is ten. As long as you put them back, even if they are stained or have holes, she will never, ever know …

2. If your parents won’t get you a dog, use your little sister. Tie a rope around her two-year-old neck. Your mama will be scared the baby may choke and make you tie it around her belly. She will still allow you to treat her like a dog. Then, have her crawl around the house and bark loudly. Call yourself Tiffany and call her Fluffy.

3. Always go for boys who have older sisters. They are trained, groomed, and whipped into perfection.

4. When it comes to parents, as ghetto-fabulous and fresh off the boat as they are, two things: a. At the end of the day, their craziness stems from the crazy amount they love us, and obviously, we love them too, even though we’re obnoxious brats. b. And more importantly when it comes to dealing with Nev and Zar, UNITED WE STAND, DIVIDED WE FALL.

5. Lastly, Zeen has taught me how incredibly lucky I am to have a sister. For all the brats who throw rocks at your sisters and pull their hair, in a few years, you’ll learn that friends stream in and out of your life, and your sister will always be your best friend. I mean, what’s the use of good news or juicy gossip if you don’t have a sister to share it with?

Although I’ve known Arjun for fewer years then I’ve known Zeena, he has taught me how to stick with the class. Arjun is a mix of laid-back base playing with a dash pharmaceutical brilliance—druggies, report to AJ after dinner. His love for heavy-metal once dragged Zeena to a live show in her pajamas and left her so tense she couldn’t walk the entire next day. Still, he made the cut, captured her heart, and taught me a few things along the way.

1. All things in life, from earth-shattering crisis’s to well-deserved celebrations, are best handled with good, warm, buttery food. Ice-cream wipes away tears, and beefy steaks keep the good times rolling.

2. The best way to spend hard-earned money is on food. There is no amount that is too much for a good dinner. Arjun taught my family this essential lesson after his first dinner out with us. My parents scrimped on the ordering and much to Zeena’s humiliation he went home to make himself a salami and cheese sandwich.

3. It’s not only men’s hearts that are found by way of the stomach—it was Zeena’s too. Arjun wooed Zeena with a four-course home-made full Indian dinner. It culminated with powdered-sugar crusted martini glasses of fresh berries. With that, Zeena was hooked, booked, and cooked.

4. All lessons in life can be summed during our weekly Monday night sessions watching MTV’s, The Hills.

On Life: Life’s tough. Get a helmet.

On Friendship: Best friends don’t yell at best friends.

On Marriage: I’m gonna give you half my money. All you gotta do is make my food and hang out with me. 

5. The last thing that Arjun has taught me is that there is no other boy who would fit into my family better, love my sister more, or who I would rather have as my first and only big brother.

So, I’d like to thank the both of them for being my role-models, fully furnishing my apartment, and being my favorite people to party with. Not only is Arjun there to spontaneously offer me directions when I often times find myself lost, but he is also there to keep my bridal princess sister sane, happy, loved, and off my ass. Congrats to Z and A. Now, please turn your head to the lovely ladies joining me on the terrace … oh, and please feel free to join in!

I was then joined by some brave family members and friends for a rousing rendition of UB40's Can't Help Falling in Love With You


  1. I LOVE your speech Shy!! Brilliant!! Love you!

  2. Great speech! I got a little choked up for a second there! :)

  3. Awww thanks guys! So cute! xo

  4. Best moment of the wedding??! ; ) Shy, you made a dynamic, smart and hilarious speech. Like it or not, it's gone down in the books as one of the funniest wedding speeches ever! Thank you for making me smile and laugh always. I love you, your sis.